The thing about school

When I first started graduate school I loved it. I liked using my brain for a change and I took pride in the work I did and getting good grades. I even made some friends. Now that it's my last semester, I still like seeing my friends and using my brain and impressing my professors, but I don't like actually doing the work.

At least some of the work is creative. I have to come up with two short stories. One is supposed to be modeled after something else and one is supposed to include techniques used by some of the authors we've been studying. Which means neither of them have anything to do with my novel. I also have an essay to write, a major revision exercise to finish up and "a reading journal" to make up (yes, I said make up).

I had Wednesday AND Friday off. Did I do any of this work? No, of course not. If I wasn't working on homework, did I write? No. Even though I have only something like 50 pages to go in my manuscript, I didn't write. I spent a lot of time watching TV.

Perhaps this is just normal procrastination. Or perhaps my fear of change is having adverse consequences. School has been such a big part of my life for over two years. It filled up all my time. I never had a moment where I couldn't have been doing something for school. As much as I look forward to having "free time" again, finishing up is going to leave a hole in my life.

The same goes for my manuscript. I've been seriously working on it almost the whole time I've been in school. And after I finish writing it comes the scary, more challenging part. Revision. Now, don't get my wrong. I actually like revision, but it's a HUGE undertaking, especially with the close to 500 page manuscript that I'm going have. Part of the book are pretty polished already (because I got to work on it in school) but parts of it are untouched. And then when I'm finished revising I have to let it go. To send it off to agents in hopes that they like it enough to send it to publishers. Besides the looming fear of rejection, finishing will leave another hole in my life.

Anyway, so I'm procrastinating. Both school and writing. Does one feed off the other? I don't know. But I think it's about time I stop. After all, I have to go back to the real world tomorrow. Both work and school will claim my time.